ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
looks legit
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.