He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You Might Also Like
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]