Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Welcome
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.