* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.