you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
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ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.