Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The pasta is now