Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
*launders Kohls cash*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?