just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
This is my favorite one of these!
What
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough