English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.