Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Every BBC series about the universe.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
meow
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.