My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.