[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.