centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.