Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”