[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.