Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.