Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.