KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
oh my gosh!!
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”