Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.