Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.