Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
is this meant to deter me
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.