My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.