You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash