Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Pringles
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
titanic
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.