You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii