Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store