BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
You Might Also Like
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Finally
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.