I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant