The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
You Might Also Like
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
don’t we all
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?