By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .