me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Never be a pizza!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
uh oh
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.