DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time