It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
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The options really are this bad
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
estão todos miauvindo?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning