wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*