If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
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Expectations vs. Reality
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
what is cheese if not milk persevering
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.