Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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why I oughta
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.