How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me in tagged photos
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.