Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad