[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*