If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?