Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.