Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
my proudest tweet
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*