“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
an airline just for babies.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.