Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me trying to reach for my goals
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.