taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I am also baked goods
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
okay run it by me one more time
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”