I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.