I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
just pretend nothing happened
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”