my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.