My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I was just discussing this with my cat
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.