love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You Might Also Like
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If only
Battery falling down a hole
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah